As a young girl I was very insecure about my breasts. They were certainly not nice and round like other teenage girls my age! I knew my mom's were like mine, and so were other female relatives-they all had their war stories of trying to breastfeed their babies. I worried that when I had my own babies I too wouldn't be able to nurse.
When I was pregnant with my first I asked the doctor about it, he told me not to worry people with small boobs can produce just as much as those with large ones. The baby books I read told me the same, that every woman could nurse! I was hopeful, I kind of assumed that maybe my mom and others didn't know what they were doing, maybe they didn't try hard enough! I would do better.
My son was born by c-section, and was put to the breast shortly after. The weigh in they did the next day showed quite a large weight loss for him, and so one nurse suggested supplementing with a bottle. When the next shift came on this nurse told me not to give him the bottle because that would hurt my supply, we played this game for several days, each shift wanting me to do something different.
Eli would scream and scream for hours, one night I layed on the floor of our small basement apartment and sobbed trying to keep him latched on, begging him to please nurse.
After having the c-section-not having had the birth I wanted, and not being able to nurse-I felt broken. I wasn't a woman! How could I be if I couldn't give birth, and I couldn't feed my child!!!???
I saw a lactation consultant a week later, the lactation consultant was the first person to actually say that I might not be able to produce any milk. She said she had seen this a few times before and she thought it was something called "tubular breast tissue"( these days it seems to be referred to more at IGT-Insufficient Glandular Tissue). Basically it's where your breasts really don't have very much in the way of milk glands-so no matter how many herbs you take or pumping you do you will never make a huge supply because the glands just are not there to do it! She said I really might not be able to produce much, and showed me how to use a SNS, a "supplemental nursing system". I would fill it up with formula and allow the tube to run down to my breast and feed him that way. He wanted nothing to do with that, the bottle was much easier!
Trying to nurse Eli didn't last long.
When I decided it was time for another baby, I knew what I wanted. I had done a lot of research- I was going to birth my baby and I was going to successfully nurse!
My doctor had said given that I was a VBACer ( vaginal birth after cesarean) they would only let me go 12 days late, and then they would c-section me since they didn't want to induce and risk my uterus rupturing. Solomon was late.....like late late, not a little late 10 freaking days late!! At that point I thought FOR SURE that my baby already hated me and was never coming out!! Don't tell me you have not felt that way by the end too!!
His birth was great, he came-and there was no problems, he was even bigger than my first! As soon as I got into recovery I pulled out my weapon of choice, my Lact-Aid! It was supposed to work better than the SNS, I hooked that bad boy up and nursed my son. You bet I cried, I had done it.
I actually had the whole nursing staff eventually in my room, word started getting out about this weird contraption and everyone wanted to see it. I sat there showing them how to set it up and showing them how I nursed with it. It was a big moment for me. Realizing I couldn't be embarrassed by this, I needed to be open about it, that there were others out there like me who needed to know there was a way!
Solomon nursed for 12 months before quiting me cold turkey, Mara nursed the same way for 16 months before quiting me cold turkey too!
Now, before I got pregnant this time I had read about other moms donating their excess breast milk. And if I'm truly honest-at first I was worried about it, and a little grossed out. But the more I thought about it, I knew that if I could produce I would certainly be one of those moms who donated. I knew pumping was no easy feat, I had pumped lots and lots after I had Solomon trying to up whatever little supply I had!!
Before Asher came I met up with some fabulous mommies who gave me their milk, I am so very, very grateful to them- Asher has had breast milk from the beginning, and that too has been very healing.
I nurse, I nurse in my own way, I may hide a bag of milk in my bra and have a tube running down my breast but this is my victory. And I have succeeded! I have nursed every where, in Walmart, at the park, walking through a store with a baby in a sling, on an air plane, in doctors offices, and restaurants. It is possible.
There were days 10 1/2 years ago where I felt like such a failure since other nursing experts and moms just kept telling me I wasn't trying hard enough or doing it right. I tried so hard I almost starved my son, today I try hard in a different way and my babies thrive. They get the best I can give them, even if it's only a little.
I have talked openly about this to many many people over the years, but writing it out seems so baring, but I hope that that mom who is searching for answers like I did will find this at some point and realize-it is possible, you are not a failure, you are not broken, and that there is a way, even if it's not quite the answer you were looking for.
5 comments:
Thank you for sharing this difficult and beautiful breastfeeding journey you've been on. It is wonderful how you work so hard to provide the best for your children and encouraging how you overcame the obstacles in your path. Way to persevere!
Breastfeeding didn't come easily for my son and I either. His weight kept falling and he lost over a pound. I wasn't able to nurse him or pump enough. I felt like such a failure when husband pulled out the can of formula and said we needed to supplement with it. I wish I had known more about milk sharing, and also simply been more open-minded. I could have gotten milk from my own sister, but sadly I let my media-influenced and ignorant beliefs keep me from seeing what was best for my son. I knew breastmilk is best, but had no idea all of the health benefits, etc it provides that formula can't. I support you and the beautiful gift you are giving to your son. You truly are an inspiration!
Oh, and I LOVE the "I cry over spilt milk" onesie! Been there, done that!
What a fantastic story. And doing all of this with 4 kids is beyond amazing! You are not only "not broken", you are Super Mommy!
You. Are. Awesome. This just became the new post I recommend to moms who want to breastfeed and are having a rough time.
I love your openness and persistence. Breastfeeding is one of those areas where we need to support and lift each other up, not judge each other and feel guilty.
I remember you telling me at bit about this after my baby was born - it was comforting to me at the time, specifically to that situation. But what you said here in your writing - "It is possible, you are not a failure, you are not broken, and that there is a way, even if it's not quite the answer you were looking for" - that is comforting to me on a more expansive scale and applies to several other situations in my life. So, thanks friend for helping to answer my prayers. :)
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