Hyperemesis

That's what's called. Why it is I'm so sick. It's not normal "morning sickness" where some crackers before getting out of bed can help...unfortunately! It isn't made all better because I eat some protein...which is sad.

Unfortunately nothing really helps when your morning sickness is so bad it's categorized as Hyperemesis.

I've had my first trip to the ER, I probably should go more than I do, but I am a cheapskate, and it's hard for me to justify the $50 co pay! It usually goes something like this in my head-----

"I just threw up, I can eat something now, it will level things out in my stomach. I can't stop throwing up, It's got to be almost over with this cycle......vomit.....how many times was that now...12? 13? Have I kept anything down....maybe some of the juice soaked in before it came back up, I'm probably okay....vomit....Oh I'm freezing!, kids grab me a blanket.....Oh I am burning up, Eli point the fan back at me......vomit....." and before I know it I've thrown up 20+ times in a day.

I have 3 different prescriptions right now for anti nausea meds, none of which seem to work well. One-seems to take the edge off, I can visit, eat a little, make it to a doctors appointment....but then I can't go #2 for a week! One is the same as the first but is dissolvable rather than having to swallow it, but tell me this, why-oh why, does it have such a bad after taste! As if that's any better at helping me lol!

The third...oh, it's a suppository--just in case nothing else is working. But really-who the heck wants to take that!! Not me! I tried it once...shudder...it didn't work much, eventually put me to sleep for the afternoon-not something I could take every day that's for sure!

Mara watches me and has decided she wont be having any children-that it's too hard. I agree, I don't know why I keep doing it! I must be a glutton for punishment.

I wouldn't wish this on my enemy.

For the most part I have stayed up beat, and as much on top of life as I can. My house is cluttered, but not dirty, dishes are getting done, laundry is being done, kids are bathed and fed. But I feel worthless-I can't keep up with things the way I think they should be. My kids are so bored and I can't do anything about it! My husband is worn out from trying to do my job every night when he gets home from working all day.

For the first time today I sat down and cried, I cried because I don't feel like I am bonding with my baby, I'm too sick, and too exhausted. I cried because I feel like I have made my kids lives worse by choosing to do this. I cried because I want to feel like me again, I feel like a shell of what was there-the rest is gone.

Can you help? No, probably not....lol....It's not you, it's me! I don't do well with people coming in to help, can my kids come play sure!

Why am I writing this? Because I hope that when someone else searches for the word Hyperemesis they might come across this blog post and realize they are not alone in the pain and the sorrow they are feeling going through this--and that I think is important, because often for those of of us with "morning sickness" this bad we feel alone, we feel like people think we must be exaggerating, we must not handle things well. It's a scary place to be, to feel so incapable of doing anything -for ourselves-or our families!

Here is a great site for those interested in knowing more about it, or if you have a family or friend who could use your help! http://www.hyperemesis.org/